What pandemic?...What isolation does to you.

Phrases that I have come across. As time goes passed I couldn't let some of these be forgotten. COVID needless to say made a significate impact on the way we lived 2020 onwards.

I’ll just put it out their Facbook – nobody wants a 2020 review OK!

If you have just woken up from a coma, the year is 2020 and before you do anything, I suggest you hit the snooze button.

AN ENGLISH dictionary is an ideal book for a teenager wanting to learn a second language

Don't forget to get your telephoto lense out today to take those shocking scenes of crowds ignoring social distancing. Isn't the forshortening effect wonderful. You can then post indignant messages on FB or even better on the front page of every newspaper.

Some parents who are now finding out that it's actually not the teachers who are the problem.

*Quentin Quarantino*
An attention-seeker using their time in lockdown to make amateur films which they’re convinced are funnier and cleverer than they actually are.

*The elephant in the Zoom
The glaring issue during a videoconferencing call that nobody feels able to mention. E.g. one participant has dramatically put on weight, suddenly sprouted terrible facial hair or has a worryingly messy house visible in the background.

*Furlough Merlot*
Wine consumed in an attempt to relieve the frustration of not working. Also known as “bored-eaux” or “cabernet tedium”

*Le Creuset wrist*
It’s the new “avocado hand” - an aching arm after taking one’s best saucepan outside to bang during the weekly ‘Clap For Carers.’ It might be heavy but you’re keen to impress the neighbours with your high-quality kitchenware.

Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus. Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.

Just finished my 30th Marathon since this lockdown started.
Still can't bring my self to call them Snickers.

To relieve the boredom I've started giving all my friends nicknames based on High Street shops. You're Next.

Lockdown not going well so the missus has made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday!

Avoid living in a ' close-knit community ' because that's where all the shit seems to happen....

Knowing me, when all this is over, I’ll probably fancy a night in.

A US vicar has died after injecting himself with disinfectant…. Donald Trump is being charged with Bleach of the priest.

The cops just left, they said if I was gonna walk around the house naked, I have to do it inside.

Well my surprise trip to Iceland for my wife's birthday that I've been planning for ages has had to be cancelled. It turns out that it's shut. It will have to be Aldi.

You never realise how anti-social you are until ther’s a pandemic and your life doesn’t really change much.

I for one hope that there is going to be a celebratory concert this weekend to mark VE day ...I can't think of a more fitting tribute to all those that lost their lives than watching Little Mix, Gary Barlow and JLS miming to a backing track to salute all our fallen heroes

How to stop eating during lockdown – wear your swimsuit instead of your pj,…you’re welcome!

Doing a shop in Tesco just now, I was horrified to find they had no toilet paper left. I slowly headed for the checkout and asked if they had any. A firm “NO!” was the answer. Shuffling back to the toilet cubicles with my trousers around my ankles was the ultimate walk of shame.

What do we want?

Acronyms

When do we want them?

ASAP

If you're unsure if you're a key worker or not, check your pay packet. If you're on less than the minimum wage, you probably are.

If you are missing the pub simply invite a load of screaming kids to your house, pour yourself a glass of warm beer and set fire to a £20 note.

You never meet anyone called Lance anymore. In olden times they used the name Lance a lot.

Has anyone else bought the covid-19 home test kit off ebay. I got mine today and apparently I’m pregnant

There is a joke circulating in Germany: What borders on stupidity? Mexico and Canada

I'm trying to come up with a joke mixing epidemiology and epistemology, but I don't know who would get it.

My mate Dave died due to coronavirus. He'd only gone out for a walk around his garden.
Daft bastard fell from his window box on the fifteenth floor.

Emulate Jamie Oliver 's 5 ingredients 30 minute recipe by having a few basics that everyone should have lying around in their kitchen cupboards, things like, grated truffles, anchovies, saffron infused balsamic vinegar, honey from the Queen' s private stock, Harrods haddock pate and fresh Mongolian goats cream.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad

Never give advice - a wise person doesn’t need it and a fool won’t take it!

It's groundhog day on Saturday . Got any plans?

Here's a simple question for the mind readers

I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I think I nailed it but nobody saw it.

...so, while you heat a pan of oil to bubbling heat, whisk up a light and airy batter with flour, eggs... Sorry. I'm waffling again, aren't I?

...so, after leaving the hostel take the footpath to the left, after 2 miles the left hand track to the foot of the face of Grim Edna... Sorry. I'm rambling again, aren't I?

They have just released a new inexpensive red wine for the financially challenged. It's called Simply Red. For when money's to tight to mention

The only thing that Flat-Earthers fear. Is sphere itself.

Don't be condescending (that's when you talk down to people).

How many grammar Nazis does it take to change a lightbulb? Too.

Grumpy says I never dreamed that one day I'd become a grump old man - BUT HERE I AM!"

Grumpy says "Land was created to provide a place for boats to visit."

Steve Winwood began his solo career in 1977. He would have started sooner, but he was stuck in Traffic.

Ok so - first get the reciprocating flange and attach it to the gerbleflerber. That’s the yellow part. Once that’s on tighten it up - you’ll need to fly in the face of wisdom and turn it to the left to do this. Then tie it round your waist - some have Velcro straps but the ones I’ve set up use ties. And then turn the dial - GENTLY, don’t go mad. And there you have it. Just don’t use it more than three times a week of there’s an R in the month. That would be a very bad idea ! Have you tried turning it off and on again? First of all you need to fully inflate her with the Baby Doll pump that came with the package

I was assaulted by a group of mime artists the other day. They did unspeakable things to me.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

Is slapdash a short hand version of morse code?

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

Education is important but sailing is more importener!

Two thirds of this planet is covered by water, so two thirds of your time should be spent on it!

I’ve invented a new word today - plagiarism.