The Beerfort Scale


0 Stone Cold Sober: Able to stand unaided, everything in focus, boats are packed away, fresh shower gel smell pervades the room, drinks only bought when cajoled, sensible conversation abounds.
1 Feeling Warm: Very slight deviation from course, but no stumbling, a very early Sunday morning training is organised for next week, voices kept low as Open Meeting OOD is sitting in the corner nursing a half of bitter.
2 Slight Inebriation: Some incoherence, eyes have glassy appearance, occasional slur. Past regattas discussed, some exaggeration, winning times marginally decreased, boat speeds more or less accurate.
3 Gentle Glow: Some bantering. Race margins getting exaggerated, times halved, enjoyment factor of last regatta doubled. Boat speeds increasing noticeably. Recovery times lengthening. Wind becoming heavier/lighter/flukier/solider.
4 Moderate Inebriation: Pronounced slurring, voices increase in volume, some bad jokes re-told, offers of drinks to entire group.
5 Well On: Speech becomes incoherent, (Chance of some spray) Speed of boats in knots over-estimated by factor of two. Some slight references to curries/pies/ pizza. Renowned OOD now takes two hours to site Committee Boat while buddies sit on start line in 30 knots waiting for him.
6 Half Newt: Tables move, jokes get worse, (Probably some spray). Some boats now unbeatable, weather last time out worst/best in living memory, margins and times now increase/ decrease by a factor of four. Consideration of going through boat park and making bonfire of abandoned Enterpise Dinghies
7 Full Newt: Whole club in motion, plans prepared to publically flog the GP President. Pockets emptied and used for next round. Some mention of "Vindaloo" many bags of nuts and crisps purchased. Inconvenience may be felt when walking to the loo as you swear the clubhouse is somehow now wallowing in a tide over wind scenario.
8 Semi smashed: Immediate group sign-up to Southport 24 hr race, some glass breaking, insults are extensive. Beer is spread over adjoining tables, new round ordered, kitty is increased. Immediate trip to next Nationals venue is on the cards. More talk of curries. New sailors warned about the dangers of high speed roll-gybing. Attempts to convince passing Wayfarer sailor that GP's are now capable of 20 knots even with mainsheet wrapped round stern quarters.
9 Near Smashed: Table dancing is commenced, some structural damage, some falling. Bones may break, injuries may go unnoticed, friends may refuse to acknowledge that assistance is required. Broken colleague is returned to his tent, dumped and covered with wet gear for comfort.
10 Smashed: Seldom experienced before collapse, friendly regattas organised in Plymouth and Largs for the same week, equipment lent to club dickhead, offers of marriage abound. GP14's now quicker than ‘Oracle Team USA’. You remember hiking on gunwale for 45 minutes straight between G and D, sailed up to the club house with ripped main held in teeth. Some moans from car park, severe swelling may be evident, all cries are ignored. Some spray, much foam. Ornamental trees may be uprooted.
11 Nitroxed: Trans-oceanic training session organised, more deposits taken, new round ordered, many full glasses may be seen, bodies falling everywhere, medical treatment required, no pain felt, cake cupboard raided, out of date nuts and pork scratching’s eaten with relish. Start looking for your phone to order very large vindaloo curry. Much whiskey of unpronounceable name disappears quickly, everything blurred. Small and medium sized sailors may become lost for a time. Visibility affected.
12 Out of Skull: Communications impossible, speech becomes lost in profanities, old grudges surface, past regattas recalled in detail, boats now faster than Exocets, even with bungs missing and running rigging droguing astern. The air is filled with foam and spray. The recycle glass and tin baskets are full and overflowing.There may be a short lull – Training is cancelled, deposits demanded back. The Racing Committee are accused of fraud, sailing sucks, all equipment for sale, golf clubs bought from fat bloke at bar. Wife arrives with car, followed by total amnesia and coma.

Grumpy says "Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk".