CANCER
No chance this week, I’m afraid of a life-changing inheritance, back to the old dinghy and dream-on. You will find some good offers around to buy a pair of sailing gloves. The middle aisle of Lidl will have what you are looking for. So, it’s not all doom and gloom.
LEO
This week your wife will decided to put your boat and family savings on Charlie Boy in the 2.30 at Kempton Park. All very much against your advice. She’s, of course, is right, as usual, and now ‘in the money’, but you later discover she has run off with a transgender Filipino sailor to open a Taco Bar in Mexico. You are lucky, it could have been worse; she didn’t know about your second boat sitting in the club dinghy park.
VIRGO
Ben Ainslie will phone this afternoon to discuss temper management and to ‘chill-out’ with you. You should tell him to go away and learn yoga. He will offer you a place on the AC74 but you need to decline as the date will clash with your clubs championship weekend.
LIBRA
On Friday you will face easily the most difficult decision of your life – it will have serious implications on your what’s left of your time on this earth. I would put it off for as long as possible if I were you.
SCORPIO
As Uranus shoots across the lunar sky, you would do well to wash your boat. Consider taking your sailing kit and wetsuit in the shower with you for its annual clean.
SAGITTARIUS
Saturday, after leaving a wet pair of neoprene boots in your car on the hottest day of the year, you are left unconscious for 24 hrs after opening the car door. You miss Sunday sailing – most club members suspect your failure to turn up means you’re either dead or in prison.
CAPRICORN
Inconvenienced hugely, when out on the water lightning strikes your boat. This will be at 2.39pm on Sunday 26th December. Luckily for you it happens 1 minute after you have a heart attack, it restarts your heart. You will finish the race.
AQUARIUS
You will acquire a new drysuit. It will only cost you £599.99. This is a reduced price, and you consider it a bargain as its left-over stock in last season’s colours. You will think you are the 'dogs-bollocks' parading around in your new kit with aubergine, chartreuse and ultramarine stripes.
PISCES
While looking through the latest RS Boats catalogue you answer a knock at the door. It’s a man from NS&I to tell you about your 1-million-pound win on the Premium Bonds. You both have a good laugh when it turns out he is at the wrong address and should be at your next-door neighbours. You sit down with you morning coffee and very pleased for the rich (and now even richer) elderly widow next door.
ARIES
While gybing in a force 12 the boom will render you unconscious and you will have amnesia for two years. During that time, you will apparently (according to friends) sail solo in the Vendee Globe race, which you do in record time. The next year you will sail to New York in a Mirror dinghy. Steven Spielberg will make a movie of your exploits, which after viewing it, you discover it’s a reprise of a Mr Bean movie in which Rowan Atkinson plays your part.
TAURUS
Two things will happen on Sunday. You will accidentally spike and kill an albatross with an asymmetric spinnaker pole. Confusion reigns, which will allow you to return the unattended, Musto Skiff you found just before the start of the race. The dead albatross washes up on the shore and all sailing will be cancelled throughout the northern hemisphere for 6 months, as DEFRA suspects there is a new form of Bird Flu virus. You need to go into hiding at the RYA headquarters in Weymouth, as it’s the last place angry club sailors will think of finding a dinghy sailor in.
GEMINI
People should read instructions that come with West Epoxy Systems. And that’s especially true this morning, when you become addicted to the fumes. In a hazy, heady moment you will get too close to your freshly epoxied dinghy and your lips get stuck fast in a ‘kissing’ position. Unfortunately, the owner of the ‘borrowed’ Musto Skiff turns up, and de-bags you! In the afternoon you are embarrassingly taken down the A14 to Addenbrookes Hospital on the back of a lorry, with a full police escort, and your bare arse sticking up out of the boat. You become a YouTube sensation.