COVID Memes and other quote collections

Who remembers?

As the 2020 nightmare has finally gone into the past, I couldn't let some of these be forgotten. COVID, needless to say made a significate impact on the way we all lived 2020.

I’ll just put it out their Facebook – nobody wants a 2020 review OK!

If you have just woken up from a coma, the year is 2020 and before you do anything, I suggest you hit the snooze button.

Don't forget to get your telephoto lens out today to take those shocking scenes of crowds ignoring social distancing. Isn't the foreshortening effect wonderful. You can then post indignant messages on FB or even better on the front page of every newspaper.

Some parents who are now finding out that it's actually not the teachers who are the problem.

*Quentin Quarantino*
An attention-seeker using their time in lockdown to make amateur films which they’re convinced are funnier and cleverer than they actually are.

*The elephant in the Zoom
The glaring issue during a video conferencing call that nobody feels able to mention. E.g. one participant has dramatically put on weight, suddenly sprouted terrible facial hair or has a worryingly messy house visible in the background.

*Furlough Merlot*
Wine consumed in an attempt to relieve the frustration of not working. Also known as “bored-eaux” or “cabernet tedium”

*Le Creuset wrist*
It’s the new “avocado hand” - an aching arm after taking one’s best saucepan outside to bang during the weekly ‘Clap For Carers.’ It might be heavy but you’re keen to impress the neighbours with your high-quality kitchenware.

Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus. Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.

Just finished my 30th Marathon since this lockdown started.
Still can't bring my self to call them Snickers.

To relieve the boredom I've started giving all my friends nicknames based on High Street shops. You're Next.

Lockdown not going well so the missus has made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday!

Knowing me, when all this is over, I’ll probably fancy a night in.

A US vicar has died after injecting himself with disinfectant…. Donald Trump is being charged with Bleach of the priest.

The cops just left, they said if I was gonna walk around the house naked, I have to do it inside.

Well my surprise trip to Iceland for my wife's birthday that I've been planning for ages has had to be cancelled. It turns out that it's shut. It will have to be Aldi.

You never realise how anti-social you are until ther’s a pandemic and your life doesn’t really change much.

How to stop eating during lockdown – wear your swimsuit instead of your pj,…you’re welcome!

Doing a shop in Tesco just now, I was horrified to find they had no toilet paper left. I slowly headed for the checkout and asked if they had any. A firm “NO!” was the answer. Shuffling back to the toilet cubicles with my trousers around my ankles was the ultimate walk of shame.

If you're unsure if you're a key worker or not, check your pay packet. If you're on less than the minimum wage, you probably are.

If you are missing the pub simply invite a load of screaming kids to your house, pour yourself a glass of warm beer and set fire to a £20 note.

Has anyone else bought the covid-19 home test kit off ebay. I got mine today and apparently I’m pregnant

There is a joke circulating in Germany: What borders on stupidity? Mexico and Canada

I'm trying to come up with a joke mixing epidemiology and epistemology, but I don't know who would get it.

My mate Dave died due to coronavirus. He'd only gone out for a walk around his garden.
Daft bastard fell from his window box on the fifteenth floor.

Ok so - first get the reciprocating flange and attach it to the gerbleflerber. That’s the yellow part.
Once that’s on tighten it up - you’ll need to fly in the face of wisdom and turn it to the left to do this.
Then tie it round your waist - some have Velcro straps but the ones I’ve set up use ties.
And then turn the dial - GENTLY, don’t go mad.
And there you have it.
Just don’t use it more than three times a week if there’s an R in the month. That would be a very bad idea !
Have you tried turning it off and on again?
First of all you need to fully inflate her with the Baby Doll pump that came with the package

....more?

Geranium. The battle cry of the Parachute Regiment Flower Arrangement Team.

I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'... The result was 'This page cannot be found.'

How do you get two whales in a mini? Along the M4 and over the Severn bridge

What do we want?

Acronyms

When do we want them?

ASAP

You never meet anyone called Lance anymore. In olden times they used the name Lance a lot.

What's the difference between a boat and a ship? Doesn't matter, but you can safely ignore anybody who rants about it.

My colleague just asked me why I'm wrapping my feet in bubble wrap? I said: "I'm just popping down to the shops"

If you've been affected by any of the issues raised in this broadcast get a grip.

Columbus’s own men despised him and mutinied. The government that employed him locked him up in prison and he died a disgraced, penniless and broken man. But by all means celebrate him for the navigation skills that got his expedition to India as planned.

Avoid living in a ' close-knit community ' because that's where all the shit seems to happen....

AN ENGLISH dictionary is an ideal book for a teenager wanting to learn a second language

Emulate Jamie Oliver 's 5 ingredients 30 minute recipe by having a few basics that everyone should have lying around in their kitchen cupboards, things like, grated truffles, anchovies, saffron infused balsamic vinegar, honey from the Queen' s private stock, Harrods haddock pate and fresh Mongolian goats cream.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad

Never give advice - a wise person doesn’t need it and a fool won’t take it!

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

Education is important but sailing is more importener!

Two thirds of this planet is covered by water, so two thirds of your time should be spent on it!

I’ve invented a new word today - plagiarism.

The only thing that Flat-Earthers fear. Is sphere itself.

Steve Winwood began his solo career in 1977. He would have started sooner, but he was stuck in Traffic.

I was assaulted by a group of mime artists the other day. They did unspeakable things to me.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

Is slapdash a short hand version of morse code?

The eyes to the right. The nose to the left. The vote goes to Picasso

Wasn’t it Proust who said in À la recherche du temps perdu, “eh bien c'était un gros vieux chameaux, j'en avais vraiment besoin. bon mieux avoir une bonne réflexion maintenant.” I think we can all agree on that.

One main difference between being Christian and being gay (some people are both) is that gay people don't demand that the rest of the world be gay. Christians will never be satisfied just to be who they are.

'A marine biologist I know went swimming in the bay, but had to be rescued when he got his legs entangled in seaweed.'
'How did they know he was in trouble?'
'They heard him shouting, "Kelp!"'

On a lighter note...My therapist says I am obsessed with revenge. We’ll see about that

My wife laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car from spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

That's what happens when you buy a fridge from Schroedinger Ltd. The light can be both on and off but you won't know which until you open the door.

Just because you are offended does not make you right.

“The fundamental cause of the trouble is that in the modern world the stupid are cocksure while the intelligent are full of doubt.”

I no longer dislike Monday's I'm mature now I dislike the whole week.

You're doing the best you can. Which is quite embarrassing.

We have two lives, and the second begins when we realize we only have one.

- the arrogance of these people. I never saw an atheist wear a suicide vest.

The sea is only interesting where it interfaces with land, small boats thrive in the interface.

The earth is 70% water. None of is carbonated. Therefore the earth is flat.

Whoever put the 's' in 'fastfood' was a marketing genius.

No matter how kind you are, German children will always be kinder.

I bet you’d give your right hand to be ambidextrous

Grumpy says "There are two types of people in this world. And I try to avoid them both."

My body is a temple. Ancient, crumbling, cursed and probably haunted!

It's groundhog day on Saturday. Got any plans?

Someone keeps leaving flowers on my doorstep with the heads cut off
I think it's a stalker

I am not totaly useless. I can be used as a bad example.

I always give my dead batteries away. Free of charge.

Curiously, there are no canaries in the Canary Islands. It's the same sort of thing in the Virgin Islands. There are no canaries there either!

Googlementia: Forgetting what you were looking up by the time you've logged on

Grumpy says "Never underestimate an old guy on a bike".

"Television? The word is half Greek and half Latin. No good will come of it" - C.P. Scott 1928

Grumpy says "I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I think I nailed it but nobody saw it".

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It got here first.

So has anyone else used WD40 to get rid of mice? It doesn’t work, but it stops them squeaking.

Grumpy says "Double the battery life of your mobile - put the BLOODY THING DOWN".

Grumpy says "Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk".

The amount of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.

If sex with 3 people is called a threeome, and sex with 2 people is called a twosome... You should understand why they call me handsome.

The average human male reaches emotional maturity at the age of 28
On average it lasts for 40 minutes

Here's a simple question for mind readers.......

...so, after leaving the hostel take the footpath to the left, after 2 miles the left hand track to the foot of the face of Grim Edna... Sorry. I'm rambling again, aren't I?

How many grammar Nazis does it take to change a lightbulb? Too.

Grumpy says "Let's have a moment of silence for all those stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride a stationery bicycle".

Grumpy says " Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than a on a bicycle".

Wer rastet, der rostet. - “He who rests grows rusty.”

What's the difference between ignorance and Apathy? I don't know and I don't care.

Diabetics, avoid medical advice from Mary Poppins

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak..

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

The more you know, the more you know what you don't know.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

"Practise makes perfect"...but no one's perfect, so why practise?=

The older I get
The earlier it gets late

Girls fall in love with what they hear. Boys fall in love with what they see. That's why girls wear makeup, and boys lie.

...so, while you heat a pan of oil to bubbling heat, whisk up a light and airy batter with flour, eggs...
Sorry. I'm waffling again, aren't I?

Don't be condescending (that's when you talk down to people).

They have just released a new inexpensive red wine for the financially challenged.
It's called Simply Red
For when money's to tight to mention.

Grumpy says "Land was created to provide a place for boats to visit."

Grumpy says "I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong".

Grumpy says "Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard's name".

"Aerosol or ball?" inquired the salesperson at the deodorant counter. "No, it's for my armpits

The Government is set to update sex education classes to cover topics like sexting, online porn, and everything else kids might need to become an MP...

I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80s bands.
There is no cure.

Impotence....Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"

Don't run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.

Some people won't admit their faults. I would if I had any.

The inventor of the throat lozenge has passed away. There will be no coffin at his funeral.